Seattle Mayor Declares State of Emergency

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by Robin Banks - February 28, 2001"We will not stand for this 'earthquake' nonsense," says Schell Mayor Paul Schell announced today that the city would take a zero-tolerance stance against earthquakes after one of the mysterious natural disasters struck Seattle. "I have declared a 'no-earthquake zone' in a fifty-block radius," Schell said. "I have told the police department to use their pepper spray and rubber bullets against any earthquake that dares to show its face in Seattle." "Seattle has a history of tolerance for weather," Schell continued with a note of pride in his voice. "We have rain, we have storms, we even tolerate lightning. But we will not sit back and allow these hooligan earthquakes to destroy our city." Several police units could be seen patrolling the quake-shaken areas in downtown Seattle this evening. "If I see one of them quakes ... well, no mercy, you know? No mercy," one police officer stated bluntly. His badge number was covered by black tape and his nametag had been removed. Many Seattle police officers expressed interest in catching the leader of the earthquake movement. The earthquakes in Seattle have provoked a nationwide dialogue about the best ways to effectively resist such acts of terror. "These earthquakes -- or 'quakes,' as they are called -- are very secretive organizations," Dr. Henry Blagger said at a press conference. "They originate deep underground and they strike without any warning whatsoever." "I think they all oughta be arrested and thrown in jail forever," said Gerald Hainer, 43, a layman who knows nothing about tectonic plate movement. "I'm tired of earthquakes and all of these other radical natural phenomena coming in here and just doing as they please. I have a job, you know." There has been no word from the earthquakes for their motives in striking Seattle.

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