The Landlubber Pirates

...another fable for the kiddies by Robin Banks

Once upon a time there was a band of pirates. At least, they called themselves pirates, and they wore what they thought were pirate outfits -- black eyepatches, filthy bandanas and hats, worn-out parts of sailors' uniforms, and so on. They spoke in slang that they believed to be quite piratish: "Arr, matey! Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank!"

However, despite their clothing and speech and self-identification as pirates, they never left shore. In fact, they spent most of their time on the beach, using an old tarnished spyglass to watch other pirates put out to sea or make raids on frigates.

"Yarrrr!" they would shout when they spotted a pirate ship overtaking a merchant vessel. "Board 'em! Board 'em! No mercy for the merchant scum!" At the height of their excitement they would often unfurl a battered old Jolly Roger and wave it frantically in support of their seagoing brethren.

Every now and then a pirate ship would weigh anchor in the bay and send a boat ashore. The pro-pirate landlubbers would greet the real pirates as if they were partners in crime. If the pirates had never encountered the landlubbers before, they would treat them as fellow pirates, simply because their language and clothing were so convincing. However, over time, most pirates discovered that this strange band had never actually been on a ship, let alone committed acts of piracy. Thereafter they ignored the impostor pirates, or treated them with barely concealed contempt.

One day the band of beach pirates were scanning the horizon with their battered spyglass. They spotted a pirate ship hiding in a cove, and another patrolling the shallow waters to the west. In the distance they saw a large merchant frigate approaching.

"Oh joy! Today we can loot and burn another vessel!" they exclaimed as they watched the merchant frigate draw within reach of the two pirate ships. The pirates in the western shallow waters began sailing towards the merchant frigate, while the pirates in the cove raised their sails and began cutting off the frigate's escape route.

Much to the surprise of the beach pirates, the real pirate ships sailed alongside the merchant frigate and greeted its crew with hails of familiarity. The frigate crew appeared to be happy to see the pirates. What was going on?

"Board them! Burn them! Attack!" shouted the beach pirates, jumping up and down in the sand. They could not understand why the crews of all three boats were now freely mingling on the decks, apparently partying and having a great time.

Finally, the crews of the pirate ships returned to their own vessels and sailed away. The merchant frigate made for shore. Once the frigate had come in as far as possible, the crew weighed anchor and sent a rowboat ashore.

The beach pirates were incensed. How dare these greedy merchants invade their beach! They prepared to greet the boat with their fiercest weapons.

Of course, as many of the area's real pirates knew, the worst weapon that these beach pirates could bring to a fight was their pirate rhetoric.

"Arrrr! Avast! If ye come ashore on our beach, ye shall surely walk the plank! Arrrrr!" And so on.

The merchant sailors seemed taken aback at first, but quickly became amused by the capering antics of the beach pirates. One of them finally stepped forward and spoke.

"Ho there, uh, beach pirates! Why do you greet us with such vile manners?"

"Arrrr!" snarled one of the faux pirates. "We are not beach pirates! We are REAL pirates! An' ye are filthy, greedy merchant swine! We shall run ye through with our bloodthirsty cutlasses! Arrrr!"

At this point the merchant sailors were openly laughing. The stoutest of them responded: "Actually, WE are pirates, friends. We choose to dress like normal sailors and we don't fly the black flag. It helps us avoid Her Majesty's Navy while at sea. And you say that YOU are pirates? You look like something out of a storybook! Have any of you ever been to sea, or boarded an enemy ship, or buried stolen booty?"

The beach pirates hesitated, glancing at each other for a moment, but then the loudest of them pressed on. "Yes, of course we are real pirates! Look at us! We have black eyepatches and black hats! I have a parrot on my shoulder, and my brother here has a hook for a hand! We watch the other pirates and cheer them on! We have read many books about pirates, and we can quote the great historical pirates on demand! And listen to my speech, lad! I speak like a real pirate, arrrr! 'Tis ye who are the impostor -- ye look NOTHING like a real pirate ought to look, and ye don't speak like one, either! ARRRR!!"

The other beach pirates cheered this speech with a chorus of "Arrrr!"

The pirates-disguised-as-sailors laughed again, and the stout one winked as he replied, "Well, my friend, have you ever thought that it's what you DO that makes you a pirate, not what you say, or how you dress, or what actions you support?"

This brought no response from the landlubbers. One of them slowly reached up and pulled off his tricornered black hat. Another flipped up his eyepatch to reveal a perfectly functional eye.

"Think about it, my friends," said the stout sailor/pirate as he helped his mates push their boat back into the sea. "Anyone can imitate the appearance of a pirate, or rather, the popular idea of what a pirate is supposed to look like. We can snarl and sing sea chanteys and wear parrots on our shoulders all day long, and it doesn't mean anything. But the truth is that anyone can ACT like a pirate, too. Steal a ship for yourself, set sail, see the world -- SEIZE the world! Because that's what piracy is really about, after all. It's not how you look or speak, it's what you DO that counts."

With that, the sailor/pirates pushed past the surf and started rowing back to their innocent-looking merchant frigate, ready to resume their life of freedom and defiance.